Notes and observations on the conspiracy

I think aging is when you notice how many people you've lost.

It's sadder still to notice all the ones you never connected with at all and to realize how many of them know you by name.


I was thinking about Charles Ind and about the terrible moment when I realized that all those newspaper articles were about someone I'd met, the brother of someone who was almost a friend and certainly was one of my favorite people to compete against when I was in high school speech and debate. I'd known Charles a little, met his mother and his brother. The things that happened there were awful and it depresses me to think about them.

What depresses me even more is that his is one of the few names I can remember from those days. Those two years of competition were an opening, a crack in an armor of isolation and indifference that I'd been wearing for years. I had to admit to someone who was looking for support in a time of pain that I didn't really remember the classmate she was trying to tell me about. Truth be told I don't remember much of anyone from high school or middle school and I'm only slightly less fuzzy about college. Forensics was an opening, but even there, I remember faces but very few names.

And I never did anything to stay in touch with anyone. Not for years. Not after high school or after dropping out of college, or when I started on the road or when I lived in Pensacola or Denton... I just drifted away.


I grew up never feeling close to anyone. The people who's names I remember best are people I'd rather never see again. I spent so much time avoiding people it's not really any wonder that years of my life are sort of a murky smear of time. I didn't really like anyone. At some point I think I forgot how. And then when I Did start to like people, I don't know if I could have shown it with spray paint and a bullhorn.

Twenty-five is the age I figure I started to become something like a functionally human being. I was barely there until twelve or thirteen, pretty much a loner til I was in my twenties... and then something changed and I started to care more about other people than I ever had.

I'm still selfish. I don't believe in selflessness unless we're talking the kind that years of meditation and practice can bring. Enlightened self interest I've always called it. Gaining pleasure and benefit from doing good things for other people. It's a start, right?


But jesus Fuck I was a bastard growing up. I'm still a bastard most of the time but really, how the hell did Anyone put up with me all that time?


Here's a thought... for at least two years... might have been three, I would find anywhere I could to eat my lunch in high school, as far away from everyone else as I could get. I sometimes lie and say I hated everyone. It's not really true unless one counts being scared to death as hate. Even the people, and there were always a few, who tried to reach me... never got in. Afraid of being found out, I guess.


There's no real point to this. Most of it's not even a new observation. Of the few people who might read it, ain't one gonna be shocked by my revelations. But shit. So angry, so frightened, so distant from the world for years. Years. A decade and then some. And even now getting out of that hole, finding a way to stay centered is slow slow slow.

And I miss folks. The ones whose names I've lost, but I can still remember their faces, a moment or two when there might, maybe have been some small connection... and then I walked away. To believe that anyone might really want to connect with me, to be my friend in anything but the most superficial of ways... was beyond me. And so I proved it over and over again.


I'll always be quiet. Not an adjective most people would apply to me, but true when it comes to things that count. I'll always be shy and even sometimes a little distant. At least now I know I can be other things too.


I've been running away again. I think that's why all this matters to me right now. I've been slipping away, not making the effort I need to stay present and open. It's so so easy to slip into the quiet and the dark and to ache for loneliness while the people nearest me stare at me and wonder where I went.

So I was standing in line to send a certified letter at the Ypsilanti post office today behind a fairly fat caterpillar of a line. While I was there, a gentleman of what I Think is Indian descent and his son ran into a snag when his kid, who was maybe all of two, realized an urgent need for a public bathroom, which they don't have at the post office. Maybe yours does, but I've not seen any that do. When he ran off for a minute to look for the non-existant bathroom I didn't think much of it. He came back having not solved the problem and, two year olds not being known for exemplary control of bodily functions he had a problem. Quick solution, grab the kid and hop in the car to hit the Kroger less than a block away.

He left his box.

No one else seemed to think this was odd.

I don't generally have anxiety issues.

I left the post office. And see, I Knew, even at the time, that this was harmless, that the guy is just a little crazy, and from a far away place (although wherever he's from, a place with a much higher incidence of terrorist activity than we generally have here) and his kid really needed to go, and really it Was a long line.

Knowing all that changed not a damned thing. Somewhere in my gut was the sense that no matter how easily I could believe that this was harmless, I would feel Amazingly stupid if I was wrong, for all of the .5 seconds I would have to appreciate my error.

And no, the post office did not blow up. I went back later and mailed my letter.

But it brings some questions to mind... like, isn't what the gentleman in question did illegal? At an airport they would have confiscated, soaked and destroyed the box. Don't we have similar rules for other public spaces, most Especially post offices?

A better question is, have we all forgotten already? I am one of the Biggest advocates for not allowing too many new laws to be put in place, for neighbors Not to be snooping on neighbors, and really, his kid was damned cute, but I have to ask... really? Had there Been an explosion, this would have been a near classic setup.

Don't walk off without your packages. Assuming no one steals the box, which would have been really easy, you're gonna scare someone, even if it's just me and I'm having an off day. And really, don't take responsibility for someone else's package in a post office when you don't know them. The messages in the airport apply to pretty much anywhere. If a stranger hands you a box and asks you to look after it for them, say no. It's sad that we need to, but really... really.


Whatever, the post office is still there and I feel sillier than a cockatoo on bad feed.


In other news, I got serenaded at Beezy's today. At least two of the women working there have pretty amazing voices and one of the two pretty much beats all. She dresses like it's a mashup between the forties and the naughts and sings old jazz tunes. I told her I'd come to the conclusion that a trip to Beezy's ain't complete if she doesn't sing so she offered to come up with a song and sing it full for me. Wow. What a treat with breakfast. Eggs and bacon, even if it's just before Noon is still breakfast. Beezy's makes their own bread too, as well as their own jams. If you're in or near the area of Ypsilanti, go there. Really. http://www.beezyscafe.com/


And on a note of the odd but cool, last night when Ashley came home her hands and feet were ice. They usually are. Not sure precisely What I did, but whatever it was didn't just warm up her hands, it went all through her down to her toes. Pretty nifty. Was able to do it again today when I visited her at Whole Foods for her break. Minds out of the gutter folks, there are no table cloths in the Whole Foods eating area. I'm not that slick.

Today was basically a good day undermined and destroyed by about the worst ten minutes of customer interaction I have ever experienced.

So I had an amazing, if somewhat disturbing experience in conversation tonight. Whatever it was I did... yeah. I can't really explain it, I guess. If it was cold reading, I'm adept when the mood strikes. If it was something else, then it was something else. It's not really my story to tell, and the more I think on it, the easier it is to mold it into some kind of shape, whether it had that shape to begin with or not.

But something happened. Something good, I believe.

If I go out for a really big meal, I'll generally bring other folks along with me to share the food. If I ate it all, I'd feel terrible, not wonderful and without the company of good friends, the food doesn't generally taste as good anyway. I could bring home doggy bags and share that way, but by then the food is cold and less than it was, so it's something that can only be shared at the moment of consumption.

If one takes the idea of feeding on energy as realistic and the metaphor of feeding itself as having more than poetic merit, then it is the the strangest kind of feeding. I find that when I have fed well, and am literally bursting with energy that sharing that kind of meal after the fact no only brings pleasure to those around me, but increases my own pleasure as well. In fact it seems that the more I share, the better I feel and is a kind of feeding in and of itself. This doesn't work with all people or all circumstances, but when it does work, it's pretty damned potent. In some ways it's more like sex than food. Overindulging in sex rarely leaves one feeling bloated and while it is possible to indulge in orgasm by oneself, it is often times far better with another person. Where the metaphor breaks down, for me at least, is that with energy it can be shared over a huge group at times, whereas sex, adding more than one or possibly two people becomes dissipative, not to mention outright silly. Admittedly an orgy might work well for energy feeding and sharing, but that's a whole different level that I've yet to see or experience.

So I have to send a big shout out to whatever small penised fucktard it was that was weaving in and out of traffic tonight on southbound Hwy 23. Really, those extra few seconds getting to the Washtenaw exit were worth damned near killing us both.

And on a related note, I'm back where I started with the health care debate. I can't support the current attempt to repair the health care system, not because of the public option but because there might not be one. See, from the beginning there was an issue with this whole personal mandate idea... without it, there Is No healthcare reform. You either cover the vast majority of the American populace all at once or healthcare costs skyrocket from covering the uninsured.

Which we do.

Already.

But see, they don't go see a regular doctor because they can't afford it, and besides, a lot of doctors won't see ya without health insurance which they can't afford. Maybe that's because of the crack they're smoking or because they're out there boozing and whoring, equally likely it's because they're a disadvantaged single mother or even just a recent college graduate with a teaching certificate or perhaps a physics degree and they can't find a job. No health insurance, no doctor and then... burst appendix. And since we Aren't a third world country or even the America of not too long ago, we don't turn them away, we treat them.

And then rob the insurance companies of those who have insurance.

Which the insurance companies are complicit in. They just charge everyone else more.

So, we already Have public health care, it's just Bad public healthcare. And the options are to continue to find ways to help the uninsured or to let them die on the hospital steps.

Without socialized medicine the only other choice is mandates. Personal mandates.

Federally mandated, private transactions. Regulated, we hope, but private business contracts being forced on us by the Federal Government.

Which is wrong, any way I look at it. And you can't opt out. At least with car insurance you Could choose not to drive. With health insurance, opting out is a little more drastic.

The whole thing violates pretty much everything that I believe that the U.S. stands for. Really. The public option was a way of opting out. I don't like insurance companies. I admit it. If other businesses acted the way insurance companies have throughout my lifetime we'd refuse to do business with them, but we can't because health care out of pocket is just about impossible for anyone who isn't already rich and well, they need to spend their money on health insurance anyway because it keeps their taxes lower.

And now the insurance companies are being given a mandate for government sanctioned corporate sodomy on a grand scale. Regulated, we hope. Maybe they'll only stick it in part way.

The public option was the one thing that saved it. A choice. Don't like corporate America but believe in Universal healthcare and rational enough to know that we're not capable as a country of leaping into a single payer system? Mandates, but with an option to buy the health coverage from the biggest (supposedly) non-profit agency in the world.

No public option? Institutionalized mass corporate sodomy by the insurance companies that have Already proven over and over that they would rather let a good client die horribly and painfully than cover the medical expenses that that client had been paying them a lot of good money over a period of time to have them cover should something bad happen.


And here you thought I was just bitching about some moron who came close to sideswiping me clean off of a Michigan freeway.

Thought I'd forgotten you, didn't ya, twerp? I hope you swerve off the road, get horribly mangled, totally fail to injure or kill anyone else in the process and that your insurance company tells you that your idiocy was a pre-existing condition and that they ain't paying.

Sweet dreams.

So I'm sitting here listening to Billie Holiday and letting the ideas from Outliers sift through my brain. It has been a most interesting beginning to the season. I started shorthanded on Saturday by choice and with the permission of my crew, who both rock if anyone wants to know. Thinking about Outliers and about success and the origins of success and how no one succeeds in a vacuum which is something I've always known but still there's something in my cultural and personal upbringing that says a person Can fight their way to the top... but really, even that is likely just a choice of turning a horrible situation, point for point into advantages and then of course, like in the case of immigrant's children raised by parents doing useful work in the garment district and sure they couldn't do anything else, but then that's why when they did what they chose to do, they did it so Well...

Yeah. Gladwell has a way of saying things I thought I knew, but in a way that makes me pretty sure I never really did. Meaningful work, work that has a direct consequence, a verifiable effect, the more effort, the more success, the more rewards... it's why I've always liked selling. Not only do my sales change how much money I make, but I can see the transformation in a customer when suddenly they go from jeans and t-shirt drab to seeing themselves, being seen by those around them, as briefly, momentarily someone inherently interesting. I love that moment when they look in the mirror and they slouch a little less or maybe their chin goes up a fraction when I remind them to take off the baseball cap and nothing will ever beat that instant when a woman who was already beautiful and in love and married to an apparently fantastic guy and still she walked out of the dressing room and when she looked, she gasped... Yeah. There are reasons for what I do, no matter what else gets in the way or how some days are nothing but trouble and mud.

To borrow from Mister Tim Minchin for a moment, "It's not perfect, but it's mine."

Two years isn't a long run for a team, but it was a damned good one. It looks as though I'll be moving to a new venue at the Colorado show next year. Selling Grichels was a heckuva a lot of fun and I'll miss some of the repeat customers. I'll miss working with Shannon the most though. There was a kind of flow that I've not found working with too many other people. Grichels will still be at CRF so go frequent it, fill your lives with glass eyes and leather faces and maybe worry just a bit about the folks who seem to be repulsed from their watching stares. I'll babble about what I'll be doing next year later.

Soon to head northeast, make a stop for a weekend in Wisconsin and then on to Michigan. I get to see Cindy for the first time since February and get to spend actual, in person time with Ashley. It will be good, really good on all counts.

So this is where I should be talking about the movie, which was good and worth seeing.

Instead I had someone try and kill me on the way home. Literally. SOB was tailgating me on Colorado tonight. I slowed down so he'd go around. He came damned close to touching bumpers with me as you swerved back into my lane and then hit his brakes. Really.

Considering whether I should call the police about it tomorrow. And yes, I Do have a license plate to go with this story Virginia.

So I did yoga today even though my body was somewhat uncooperative. After sivasana I used my still point inducer which made a white space in my head. I think that's what it's supposed to do, but it never has before. And then I noticed I could move the space around so I shifted it down to my belly and left it there since it seemed to warm things up and my stomach is always cold.

On a more conventional note, I can do headstands pretty well now. It's cool. Shoulder stand next maybe?

When I finish a story, close the cover and can't keep the details out of my head, when the world in the story seems so full and yet I know only a tiny slice of it and I wonder what happened after, who Were those people, what all do I Not know about what happened, that to me is the mark of a truly good story. I just finished The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman. That is the feeling I have now.


I suppose it's a mark of where I am in my life that I would rather enjoy that slight ache of a good story ended than have someone try and come back and tell me all the rest. I don't Want it explained. It ended where it should with uncountable new adventures possible, with so much that neither I nor Bod really Know about how it all works and that's as it should be.

Thanks, Neil, for another rich, dark fairy tale that any kid I might actually like can read and enjoy and one that leaves me with that delicious sadness at the story being over. I'll reread it, I'm sure, and read it to other people if they'll sit still long enough.

The move is mostly complete, the day was long but good. There was mirth, there was muscle aches, there was a lamp fatality (sadness) and the overturning of a drawer full of Tym's clothes (my fault) but all in all it has been a remarkably good day. Much thanks and good will goes out to Frost, Matt, Tym, Doug and for the loan of one kick ass van, Terry. It would not have gone well without you guys, and in places might have been near to impossible.

So yeah. I'm moved. Moving In starts tomorrow, after we get this place cleaned up.

No tagging. Ya'll get tagged enough without my help. No idea why I decided to fill this out. Blame Monica, she tagged me.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Left index finger, in a complicated maneuver wherein I managed to only just avoid taking off my own finger with a en edged but dull knife in front of a crowd at the renaissance festival whilst I was demonstrating what amazing weapons I was selling.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Umm... a calendar from Bloody Baby Blue on DA (two dead faced girl dolls and a hand drawn moth between them) various photos I shot a poster for Pan's Labyrinth, a print from Rene Taylor (faerie concert on a mushroom with dragonflies), a pirate flag attributed to Blackbeard's ships, two elven looking faces made of hydrostone and a tiny crossbow. You did ask.

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
I've been known to talk in my sleep and my ex-girlfriend wore earplugs to block out my snoring. To be fair to myself she still wears earplugs because her cat moving around wakes her up as well.

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Some stuff you've never heard of, some you have. Eclectic, varied, unfocused, sometimes deranged.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
In the late summer.

Really, I don't. Two certificates of birth with conflicting times and Mom doesn't remember.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To be moved and resettled.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Huh. The easy answer is my girlfriend. More complexly I often miss the ease with which one can move through life when one has no aspirations and no sense that one Should have aspirations. Having said that, I wouldn't go back.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
My rat. I don't tell him often enough, but fortunately he's also stuffed with rocks and survives rollover car accidents well.

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5'7"

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Yes... no... I have been. Being locked in a cell for twenty four hours I about lost it. And I remember taking the spelunking tour (back when it was the dirty show) at the Manitou Grands and there was this one little cave down a steep slope and the guide told us there were cool things down there but I couldn't bring myself to go look even though everyone else went.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
I love the dark but it still scares me.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Taran of Prydain.

13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Insignificance.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR COMBINATION DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Two eyes, preferably hair on the head. I used to be known for liking small, dark haired girls. My last girlfriend and my current are both blonde. I very definitely have a thing for eyes. All kinds.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
On a boat. That way if it really will destroy the fabric of the Universe to have broken the last of my 'I'm never gonnas...' the Lords of Entropy can capsize it and I'll get eaten by Shamu.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Energy drinks are pretty foul. Coffee please, with sugar. Or a dirty chai.

17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Black and green olives. Or the Peace in the Middle East pizza from Extreme.

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
... use your imagination.

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
Anything but tan.

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
Oh yes, for they are crunchy and taste of parmesan. Snack food of choice when I was a kid. Pepperidge Farms was so one of the best things about my childhood.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
An ex of mine gave me a keychain that quoted Tolkien, "Faithless is he who abandons his friends when the road darkens." It was years before I realized it was meant as a message.

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Crush? Not really. Deep fondness, lust, love and moments of bad poetry, sure.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No.

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Brand? Oddly enough, Forever 21. Either that or Pendragon Costumes followed close on by The Village Tailor.

25. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
How many gender queer celebrities are there? Eddie Izzard. He'll do.

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
No.

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
An imaginary anaconda with a limp.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
I fell in love when I was leaving. More than once really. Florida many years ago comes to mind. Michigan just a few months ago even more so.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
12

31. BLONDS OR BRUNETTES?
Currently blondes.

32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
I dunno. Ask someone who quotes me. There are some.

33. FAVORITE PLACE?
When I was nineteen there was a hillside above the old cemetery near campus in Boulder that I would go to when everything got out of hand. It's been altered since and lost its magic. Since then... not sure. There's a certain darkened park in Ann Arbor that has fond future memories for me.

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
Heidelberg. Born there. Returned to the states at two something. Remember squat. Since then, Toronto and Niagra Falls for my honeymoon to a runaway bride.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Cloves. Being online late at night. Good sushi.

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
Depends on what ya mean by famous. Hi Michelle.

37. FIRST JOB
My parents lied about my age when I was fifteen so I could volunteer as a crowd marshal with them for the Grand Prix of Denver and stand between the fence and the barriers telling other people they couldn't stand there. A car crashed at about a hundred miles an hour less than ten feet away from me.

If ya insist on paid, Wendy's, three months when I was seventeen right after I graduated High School.

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Nope.

39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
Nope.

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Reading Taran Wanderer to Ashley.

41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
Twice, not counting wisdom teeth. Abdominal surgery is an adventure, really.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
Over the years, my ass. More recently, me wearing a kilt.

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
No, but I think they look snazzy with pin-striped pants.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Moroccan food served like the did at Mataam Fez in the Springs. As I'll be in Michigan this may not happen.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
Damn, yer supposed to Name 'em? I knew I'd forgotten something.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
In another language, yes.

47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
When their batteries run low? Funnier if I were a girl I suppose. I dunno. People who play at being dumb I suppose. Irritates me in the same gender as well.

48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE(D) ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
Easy answer, not a fucking thing. Since I've added quite a few old high school chums on FB I have to admit I liked a few people though even the ones I liked were right bastards at times. So was I, so it evens out.

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Generic Humectress.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I'd like it better if I could read it. I think I must channel a spirit writing in backwards, drunken cuneiform.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Lunch? Whassat? All through high school I ate a stack of salami on bread, no condiments. Since the I don't eat much lunch meat.

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Dumb question. Many, varied, and often entertaining.

53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
Yes. About random things.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
If you meet the buddha on the road... hell no. Not because I don't like who I am, but really, anyone reading this has likely met me, can you imagine Any kind of benefit to the two of me standing side by side?

55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
Agree with it? Drivel. Done it, many times. If I'm single again and circumstances provide, will do it again. I love my friends and have no desire to sleep with strangers.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Why else would I keep upping my lens prescription? Sunsets? I love faces, all kinds of faces. Someday I'd love to be the kind of portrait photographer who can show how amazing faces really are. Flat, featureless, unlived in faces scare me. Botox is the work of a kind of evil Satan would run from.

To anyone with the balls to lie to this question and say looks don't matter, I offer this mental test: If it were possible to wash your face in disfiguring acid without pain and leave everything basically functional yet deeply, horribly scarred, would ya do it?

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
I horde it. Well, no, I used to. Now I express it, transform it, meditate with it, give it lollipops and sometimes 5-HTP.

58. WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS.
Neither. I just got back to what is basically my correct weight. Again, drivel.

59. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
At this moment, to keep my snark from swallowing this quiz and belching. Beyond that to become every day the best version of myself I can be. Deep huh?

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
Legoes, most lkely. Although I had a fondness for a sack full of sand for a while. And a hardhat.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
9. Well, ten with the zero. Duh.

62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
Barney Miller was a little over my head, but I do remember the episode where they all ate pot laced brownies being pretty funny.

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Please see above. And below.

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
Macaroni and cheese I suppose. Not a major starch fan though and I keep cutting my dairy back more and more, and neither are good without dairy.

Well, okay, I admit the relationship to the weird-colored powder in a box of mac'n cheese bears only faint resemblance to dairy, but I mix in milk and butter when I make it.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Depends on how deep an incision we're talking about...

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
I don't have any, though my response to the above question may change that.

67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
China. Not really, but I'm tired of this question.

Actually it's Russia. I lust after Russian accents. Really.

68. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOWS?
HULU has ConSumed mY SoUl!!! I Never used to watch TV. But, to admit: I enjoyed what I've seen of BattleStar Galactica, I've been following Burn Notice, Fringe (great finale), Dollhouse (holy Shit Joss, you got renewed!), and ... dare I admit, Legend of the Seeker.

69. WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
I don't really Have enemies.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
See above about dairy. I Did find a sorbet thingie that was blood orange at Whole Foods. Ingredients were juice and sugar.

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
And a few extra just in case. Really though, with all the scars on my hands, this Is impressive.

72. DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
No, I keep them on the balcony so they may grow in the sunlight.

73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
Staying up late and feeding the snark.

74. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
Above ground for as long as it's still possible to enjoy myself.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
No. Really, I don't. Many people answer every silly f'in quiz anyone posts.

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
My tiny little fan trying to move the still, dank air (what the Hell is up with humidity in Colorado?) in my soon to be no longer my room.

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Strongbow. Thanks, Darcy.

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Ashley.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX
Notice like eye-candy notice? Good posture and a nice ass. Yum. In someone I have Any interest in talking to? Eyes, eyebrows, shape of the face, that posture thing again and above all, a directness that means game playing will likely be minimal.

80. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
I've been apartment hunting for a month. I like to shave angry weasels. It's more fun.

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
Shaving angry weasels?

82. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
Heh... truth, this year: Faire.

83. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
Really...

84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
A... best... friend. Remember that question about soul mates? I have met amazing people and will meet more over time.

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR
According to Slugger I have hair colored hair. Most people would say brown, but really, other than black or bottled, it's like an old commercial: It's In There.

86. EYE COLOR?
Blue with occasional days of grey and brief storms of green. Those are good moments.

87. CLOTHES SIZE?
Actual.

88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
One that's open when I've forgotten to eat again and it's late. General Wendy's or the Bell.

89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
So many. There's a sushi place in Troy that is amazing. Domo, here in Denver. Karma as well. Parisi for a gathering of friends who can all eat Italian. Pints for a night of burgers and beer.

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Hate it.

91. WATCH TV TODAY?
Would need to own one, really. And no hulu tonight.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
There's a date in June coming up that holds great promise for that.

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
Bones.

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
Militant moderate. Really.

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
From whom?

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships, friendships, complicated threesomes, Beltane... Never one night stands.

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
A bottle of cherry coke from the vending machine in the basement.

98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE/HUSBAND?
I have a house?

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Currently none all that consistently. I've been too twitchy to read. In the middle of Instant Magick by Chris Penczak as well as Shamanism by Mircea Eliade, Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks, Comedy Writing Secrets by Mel Helitzer (scared yet?), Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn and I'd Like to pick up Iron Council and start reading it, that one's China Mieville. I ever mention that I might be slightly ADD?

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE
1200 miles away.

So I can honestly say that today was the least productive I've felt in a long time. I took the day off from work and just hunted for an apartment. This quest has gone poorly. So far I have nothing to show for it but a mounting sense of frustration and a fair amount of gratitude for those who have made efforts to help me out. Darcy and Tym in particular come to mind, as well as Melissa as well. Cindy and Ashley and Kimberley have helped by letting me bitch ang get some of it off my chest. This is a Hard month to try and find a place to live.

On a lighter note though I went with Tym and Darcy to see Star Trek tonight and Loved it. Really, the movie is an attempt to make Trek fun again. It's way over the top action, it's explosions and special effects but above all it's a chance to reimagine a young, fast Trek and bring to life a whole new cast and a crew that Roddenberry might have recognized. We all laughed and cheered and poked one another at inside jokes and all in all it was a fun night.

So, tomorrow, back to hunting.

Went to see Chris Penczak talk about his book on the descent of Inana tonight. The talk was interesting, amazingly well put together and he's a fantastically engaging speaker. I name dropped a bit (Cindy and Michelle) and was really genuinely pleased and amused at how much his face lit up about both of them. Perhaps I will make it back for the Year of the Star Convocation (2011 I believe) and he'll be there. I'd be willing to catch his presentations again.

Chris connects a lot of shamanism with his witchcraft. I'd love to have been able to chat with him more about that as well as his book on urban witchcraft as well. Guess I'll just have to be a chauffeur for Convocation again sometime. Seems to be a good way to meet interesting people.

The world tree and shamanism in general has been coming more and more into my mind of late. Been reading Eliade's book on the history of Shamanism but it comes at me in snippets as well, like in Instant Magick and even from some of Michelle's writing.


Death... ego death, rebirth, freedom from self...

So while I can't assume that every conservative in the country knows every obscure term for a weird sex act, it turns out this one got mentioned on Sex in the City.

On top of all of this is just the image of some conservative, 40 year old shop teacher who moonlights at the local BDSM club as a bottom to a 250 pound Bear named Tiny who attended the... Read More organizing rallies for one of these "Tea Bagging" events and damned near died trying Not to say anything that would indicate that he knew anything at all about sex.

Even funnier is the inevitable moment when his BDSM pals see him out there with a big sign about tea-bagging and suddenly recognize him... "Frank! Hey, Frank, if we'd Known you wanted to be teabagged, all ya had to do was ask!"

Pattern recognition
It amazes me how well the human brain can identify something as complex as the identity of a person with minimal information. The back of a head, a profile and a beard, and there it is, John... Fingers sitting in his stylish, black VW Jetta (96? it sure Looks like mine, just with less rust and dents) in front of me on 12th as I was headed to work.

Really, I've never seen the car before, and all I had was his profile, partially in silhouette, and his, admittedly somewhat unique, beard.

I have at least one friend who would identify this very differently, having to do with energy recognition and other strangeness. I have to admit that even noticing John, being someone I never really see outside of faire, seems odd to me.

The mind is terrible and interesting.

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